A Dialogue

The Phantom Pregnancy

For about a week I had every pregnancy symptom known to woman. I was nauseous. I was ravenous. I knew by smell that the neighbor had removed the cap from a tube of toothpaste. I had morning insomnia and night sweats. My own special back problem flared up. I thought lovingly of eggrolls at midnight. My skin became unspeakably vile.

Under the circumstances (you know, all that sex I have been having) it could have made us go "Hmmmm" but for the fact that this week o' symptoms occurred about two seconds after ovulation. It was really rather comical. I mean, I am a sophisticated pregnancy veteran. When I say, "Honey, there are NO reliable early early pregnancy symptoms" you should just shut the fuck up and believe me. Yet I spent the past week and a half like one of those yappy young things who ask the Great Internet if they are pregnant 'cos their pants don't fit and they are, like, 3DPO. Ha ha ha. Oh, that is three days past ovulation for you Normals.

Not that I am bitter. I am not, truly. I mean if everyone was like me then there would be no more people and then my chiropractor wouldn't exist and then I couldn't have had the best first chiropractic appointment EVER this afternoon. And the dearth of people would result in an overabundance of some other species, which might be chipmunks but could be snakes. I hate snakes.

So strong were these symptoms and so weak am I that I took a pregnancy test at 7 DPO. Negative. Then I realized that I had miscounted and no one tests positive that early, so I took another one the following day. Negative. Then I was back into my old HPT-a-day habit so the following morning found me ripping open a new package with my teeth and well, you know. Negativo. So at nine days past ovulation I washed my hands of this cycle and I now await the start of a new cycle tomorrow.

OM, as we who are oh-so-calm-and-enlightened say.

I feel lucky that I am at the stage of trying to conceive, part deux, when I laugh at my own idiocy. Just check me out after two more months of this... I'll be scary.