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February 2016
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March 2016

And I Will Call This Cocktail The Prim Reaper

When I spoke to my mother this morning I informed her that I was in the process of driving home my new fish.

There was a pause. Then she said, "Am I to take it that you've suffered a bereavement?"

Ah. Ah yes. Sorry. Forgot that part. A moment of contemplation, please, for Skye the ex-Betta. He was a good fish, as fish go, and as fish go... he went as slowly as was piscatorially possible. Seriously. When was it that I first mentioned the fact that Skye had taken to floating topside and I was looking into ways to end his suffering? You know, when I *WINK WINK* told Steve I wanted to euthanize the fish? December?

[Yes it was December. I looked it up.] 

Do you know how disconcerting it is to have a fish who hangs out upside-down at the waterline? Very. I cannot tell you how many times I glanced at his tank, tsk'd in sorrowful acceptance of life's great circle before poking at his lifeless corpse... only to have him twist away and frisk off again. Not to mention the fact that he needed to be fed by hand. For months

I know the term Blessed Release is thrown around a lot - mainly by people in nineteenth century novels who have just come into an inheritance - but it is hard to overemphasize just how very blessed this release was. Very.

Still, when I determined yesterday morning that this time Skye was really (really and truly and utterly) dead I felt sad.

"Oh. Oh dear." I announced to the house at large, "Skye is dead."

"Shrug!" hollered Edward from the other room.

"How can you tell?" called down Patrick.

"Finally!" sympathized my husband.

Only Caroline bothered to join me by the aquarium. She looked at Skye in silence and then put her hand on my arm.

"Can I bury him in the yard right now?" she asked with an enthusiasm I found to be in poor taste.

"Sure."

"Great!" she said and skipped off to find a box.

 

So I was recounting all of this to my mother and emphasized my general sense of relief that Skye had been mercifully released from this tank of tears by explaining that as recently as Saturday I was googling painless ways kill fish.

My mom laughed and said that it was nice to know I am so compassionate since I will no doubt be tending to her declining years as well. "I'm glad you put painless in there," she said.

"Of course," I said. Then I added, "I was leaning toward a combination of clove oil and vodka, by the way."

There was another pause and then she said, "I could do worse."

I love my mom.

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This my new fish. I have named him... Cherry.

And speaking of football (heh heh. sly) I would like to reiterate for the Official World Wide Internet Record that I divorced Chelsea before Diego Costa got all... what WAS that? The pushy shove-y nuzzling bitey FA Cup hug violation? I didn't think he needed a red card so much as a psychiatrist.

On that note I have more recorded football to watch, not to mention an entire season of college basketball upon which I must educate myself. Go... Huskies? Did they make it? Does anyone have five seconds to tell me who's good this year?

PS My subconscious has apparently been working on the question of vodka and clove because I just said ah ha! and discovered that while I was typing this the rest of me was rounding out an imaginary cocktail with orange and maybe red wine. A sort of winter sangria.


You Didn't Miss Much

Oh heavens how I have missed you! Do you want to see my new brace?

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In addition to being rather sporty, it is significantly smaller than the other one; so not only can I now move the top joint of my thumb (which I am doing as we speak space bar space bar space bar) but also my wrist (crucial in the event of sudden badminton.) On the minus side I am no longer walking around as the poster child for emergency falconry preparedness. Quel, as the French say, dommage.  

[I self-diagnosed turf thumb, by the way, and think that I must've landed on it funny during one of my eleventy million falls during soccer - probably that time the other guy got the yellow card; note the pride in my voice because it means that *I* had gotten to the ball first ... before he cowped me. The orthopedist said the swelling was caused by ligament damage but my real issue is the arthritis in that joint. Who knew? Anyway. Cortisone and a brace and I'm practically out of the bandbox.

And I am officially retired from soccer. Again.]

Speaking of soccer, Patrick pointed out that my brace is Chelsea blue; an incredibly awkward observation since he knows that Chelsea and I have consciously uncoupled. Sorry. I meant to break it to you more gently but there it is. We'd been growing apart for some time (what with the unavoidable fact that they are all, more or less, a bunch of dicks) but it wasn't until I leapt to my feet with a squeal of joy when someone - Southhampton? - scored against them that I realized that it was really, truly over. Like an ill-advised first marriage I had rushed in too quickly; smitten with the idea of being smitten.

Since November I've been seeing... well, seeing someone new and although it is too soon to be sure I think this time my fandom will be forever. There is a sweetness to this new team. A touching vulnerability. A refreshing lack of Diego Costa that is leaving me heady and a little breathless. It's also possible they're going to get relegated, at which point I'm screwed because America has come a long way in their football broadcasts but not all the way down to the championship league.

What else?

Patrick is officially an inch taller than I am. It's weird. I'm not going to lie to you. You have this baby and you love them and feed them and smile indulgently when they talk about fonts and then they are taller than you are.

Caroline continues to love Crivens with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.

Edward - wow, it has been a while, hasn't it - Edward was diagnosed with dysgraphia... oh! An enormous and heartfelt thank you to those of you who weighed in on the subject last Fall and encouraged me to take Edward to a neuropsychologist. Getting the neuropsych eval through our health insurance company was a lengthy exercise in You-Must-Be-Joking bureaucracy (at one point we were told that they would pay for it but only if the evaluation found issues beyond learning disabilities - chicken meet egg) but it was worth it. She identified a few things that would benefit from additional classroom support and we were able to use her report as a starting point with the school. 

Ha! Sorry. That reminds me. This came home last week and I admit that I giggled.

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And on that mature and erudite note I bid you goodnight and swear upon the altar of salt I will check in again much sooner.