Now how exactly does one go about getting that to happen? My friend with twins (my friend with twins whose entire twin experience reads like a glossy coffee table book on the subject: two seven lb babies delivered at 38 weeks exactly following a complications-free pregnancy who both took instantly and easily to breastfeeding and who are now the best behaved two year olds you will ever want to meet - I try not to dwell on her since the whole thing gives me a complex) gave me the schedule she had gotten from some book or other. Apparently, you put the babies to sleep at seven and then they sleep until seven. After that they are up until 9 and then down for a nap. Wake them at 10. Up until noon and then down for their two and a half hour nap. Up until 4; down for an hour. Two hours for dinner and a bath and voila, seven o'clock bedtime. Other than the fact that it involves rather more math than I like to do in a day; it sounds lovely. So very clean and regimented. I could say "Oh, I'll call you at 9:15 tomorrow morning when Caroline and Edward are asleep" or "Steve, would you mind just keeping an ear on the monitor between 1 and 2 while I get a pedicure and drink this champagne split?"
So far the only part I have gotten down is bed time. Somewhere between 7 and 8 Caroline and Edward go to bed. I always try to push it towards 8 and they keep trying to push it to 6:30. After that it all falls into tiny pieces like a prepackaged cookie. She wakes up and then he wakes up and... would you believe that I actually have no recollection of when I went upstairs last night or who I saw? Literally. I assume that Caroline woke up around 2 (she usually does) and then Edward woke up around 4 but... I shrug. I do know that they both woke up for good at 6 am but that is largely anecdotal as I now just poke Steve anytime after 5:59 and mutter for him to go do something with somebody. Then I put the pillow over my head and SQUEEZE. Our bedroom is right off the living room which I suppose will be great when we are decrepit empty nesters but is a bit of a trial right now since that room has been designated Baby Central (you can tell because the plastic to natural materials ratio in there keeps increasing.) So Steve deals as best he can and I try to ignore the squeals and fussing while having odd disjointed dreams. This morning I dreamed about Patrick's school. Specifically, that three other mothers from Patrick's class asked me what I was doing about Christmas cards since they needed to be distributed before the end of the year. And I was irked by this presumption of Christianity in the public schools and said, untruthfully as it so happens, "Oh we don't celebrate Christmas." So they all looked shocked and one said, "You... don't celebrate... CHRISTMAS?" and the other said, "Well that's funny." And I very coolly said, "Some people don't you know; perhaps you have heard of Judaism?" And it was a terrific moment since they all looked chastened but then I realized that I had somehow implied that we are Jewish and we are not - which is when Patrick's teacher rushed over in my dream and enthusiastically asked if I would be willing to come and share information about our faith with the class. I was too embarrassed to admit that I had lied about being Jewish to make a point so I said, yes, of course but I was mentally deciding that the only solution was to enroll Patrick in another school district. Then Caroline must have pulled Edward's hair (again - she does it a lot) because he screamed in the living room and I woke up. Much to my relief. After all, I like Patrick's school.
In the time that it has taken me to write this I have put Caroline and Edward down for a nap three times. The first two times involved tears and gnashing of the gums but it finally took. Huzzah! Imagine that, both babies sleeping in cribs at the same time. I feel like composing an opera about how great it feels to get rid of all of your children when the sun is shining. Instead I will utilize this time to:
1) finish this
2) use the breastpump while watching something Tivo'd - I am making a concerted effort to wean myself off the baby shows (I watched an otherwise rational and intelligent woman put her 1 week old baby to sleep on her stomach [the baby on the baby's stomach I mean] and I gritted my teeth so hard I almost cracked a molar; it's not healthy for me to sit and judge people like this on a regular basis) so I decided to try recording old seasons of Top Chef for a change of pace. As of three days ago I am a Top Chef addict. I'll be sorry when I am no longer nursing/pumping since it provides such a great excuse for sitting on my couch in the middle of the day watching god only knows what on TV
3) go do all of the work in the vegetable garden that did not get done last Fall so we can get our plants in this weekend - tomatoes and watermelon this year. oh and the asparagus and strawberries that are annual. but that's it. I am done growing weird vegetables that we don't eat. Hey has anybody ever had any luck growing cilantro? I like to cook with it but have been unsuccessful at keeping it from going to seed in about a week outside.
4... oh damn it. OF COURSE the babies are now awake. OF COURSE they are.
Oh wait, one last thing, do you know of any places that sell interesting dinnerware? The set we currently use is from a... a previous relationship and I hate it. I was just staring at them last night, whispering "I hate you" as one does sometimes with a saucer, when I realized that life is too short to spend breakfast lunch and dinner with bowls you despise. So I want to look for something new. Something with square plates, I think, and a bit of color maybe. I have looked at all the usual places but I expect there must be a zillion others. So if you know of something and would shoot me a link I would be much obliged.
PS Edward has this weird belly button thing that I have been noticing off and on for months. The lower half of the outer circumference looks red and a little inflamed. At first I thought his diaper was just rubbing there and I treated it with a little Neosporin but I have recently decided that actually the inner skin coil seems to be pulling away from the surrounding skin. Does that make sense? It is particularly noticeable in the evening when his stomach is full. I will ask about it in a month at his next well baby check unless this rings any bells with anyone in which case I can always bring him in sooner.
OK. Now I really have to go.