Not Much
8

Grab A Road Map - I Am All Over The Place Here

I left a message for my OB's assistant this morning asking that she get me in for an ultrasound today or tomorrow.

I don't know what happened. One minute I was the epitome of patience and resolve and the next I was asking Steve if he thought I should wait until Tuesday to get an ultrasound. Then I screamed at him and told him he was stupid (guess what he said? He said, "Yes, you should wait.") I spent last night googling the most ridiculous things, like "ultrasound 8w5d vs 9w2d." Surprisingly, Google sort of shrugged over that one and brought me half-heartedly to a couple of pages where women had written in to say, "No heartbeat at 9w2d. Also, baby measuring 6 weeks and blood is pouring out of my vagina. Should I be worried?" Um, yes.

[WHY isn't my OB calling back? It's been THREE hours. Gar.....]

I have no hard and fast rules about when other people should announce their pregnancies. This is in keeping with my over-arching belief that I should have no hard and fast rules about how other people should do anything.

Originally, Steve and I did not tell anyone we were trying and we did not mention the first pregnancy or miscarriage, despite the fact that his entire family was staying at our house when it happened. We only told people after the second miscarriage when we learned that Steve was a freaky freak and we were in for a hard time. Now when I get pregnant we tell my mom and my brother and Steve's immediate family. It's not so much sharing good news (although of course it is good news) as letting them know that we are about to have a stressful few months while we wait. They are all supportive, in their own ways, and I like having the support.

[WHOO-Hoo! Ultrasound scheduled for an hour and a half from now.]

Changing gears, again, jeez, I realized that I was putting off the ultrasound not out of a practical belief that we will get more information next week but out of fear. I'm scared. This is the big ultrasound. The one that usually goes wrong. I don't want bad news. I don't want to no longer be hopeful. So I was putting off the ultrasound because I was trying to delay feeling rotten. But that's not my way, not really. I am brave like a squirrel and I will face today's ultrasound with fortitude and a bag of Almond Joy.

Oh, man. I have to wait a whole hour and a half.

Quick, write me something to distract me.

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